Day 29: My Biggest Fears

You guys are going to get to know me really well by the end of this.

So, fears! We all have at least one. Some of them are irrational, some are rational, some are deeply seeded, others are just things that unnerve us. But we’re talking about biggest fears today. Fears that leave you petrified at the sight or sound of them. That rip the breath from your throat so you can’t even scream.

Specifically, my own fears that leave me petrified, and terrorized, and makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry as I have a panic attack.

The first thing that comes to mind is a fear I’m certain a lot of you have too.

Arachnophobia. The fear of spiders. I hate spiders! I’ve had bad experiences with spiders when I was a little kid, I can not stand them anymore. Little house spiders are fine, same with little garden spiders as long as they don’t touch me. Large spiders, like tarantulas, or wolf spiders, or anything like that, I will run screaming out of the room like the little girl I am! I am terrified of them!

My sister and I went to this reptile house one day, and they teach you about these exotic animals and you get to touch, play with, and interact with them. A couple of those animals were scorpions, and two were spiders. I was about to walk into that room where they had them, they had the spider, it was a tarantula, out and people were allowed to hold it. I nopped the hell out of there. I was not going to step foot in that room as long as it was out. Thankfully they put it away pretty fast, but still. Had I been in that room when it came out a panic attack probably would have ensued.

Bones sticking out of the body. I don’t know if there’s an actual term for this fear, but there it is. Broken bones, bones sticking out and poking at the skin, bones literally breaking through the skin and visible. I can’t stand any of that. When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor, my how things have changed, I could not get over the idea of bones coming out of the body. I can’t stand it. I can’t stomach it. It makes me cringe and squirm and completely uncomfortable. Not sure if this counts as a fear, but it gets under my skin in all the wrong ways.

My greatest fear and this is probably going to be the one people understand and/or relate to the least, is my own imagination.

Allow me to explain. I have an overactive imagination. I’ve always had an overactive imagination. I know, consciously, that there is not a demon or creature that wants to tear me apart in the deepest shadow of my closet. But my mind, my imagination, puts it there. Walking through a dark alley, I wouldn’t be afraid of getting mugged or jumped or anything like that, I’d be terrified of a monster coming up behind me, or of the darkness consuming me.

I know that’s not going to happen. But I cannot stop it from putting forth that idea. And once that seed is sown, it’s fertilized, watered, and growing strong. I cannot stop it. I cannot change it. And sometimes I cannot let it go. And that is terrifying.

I am safe in my bed at night, in my house. I have three dogs, one of which is a ridiculously sensitive guard dog. There is no way that anyone could break into this house without someone knowing about it and alerting everyone else. But in the shadowed corner of my room, there’s something here that can kill me, drag me into a portal to hell, rip off my skin, eat me, subject me to the worst kinds of pain imaginable. And I create that to torment myself.

If that is not the most horrifying thing you can think of, I don’t know what is.

Well, you don’t have to go into as much detail as I have, but if you’d like to share what your fears are in the comments, I’d love to read them.

Thank you for joining me for day 29 of my Blogtober challenge, which is where I post a fall or Halloween themed post every day for the month of October. And what is more befitting Halloween than fears? If you liked what you saw here you can come back tomorrow and see what I have for you then. Or, if it’s after the 31st all of these are up and you can check them all out. I hope you are having a great day/afternoon/evening/night, and I will see you next time.

-T.R. Flynn.