I’m still trying to keep up with posting consistently. It has been a bit difficult for me, I’ll be honest.
This week hasn’t been great. I’ve been dealing with bad headaches pretty much every day, tiredness, and I haven’t been working as much as I would like because my dad needed help moving some things from the back shed to his shop to get the last of his things set up.
I’m also not sure if my exhaustion is because of a depressive episode creeping up on me, or if it’s because of the shift in weather. Where I live we went from very warm to cold pretty quickly. Still no frost just yet, but I know it’s coming.
I feel a bit bad that I haven’t been able to get as much done as I had hoped, but I’m also still trying to be kind to myself. I still struggle with that a lot.
That is about it that’s new. Like I said there really hasn’t been much going on, but I wanted to try and get a post out every week this month. Let’s see if I can continue with it.
I hope you are having a wonderful day, and if it’s not wonderful I hope it gets better.
Hello. I hope you are doing well. Though I feel like if you’re reading this you might not be. At least if the title is anything to go off of.
I feel like being a person in their twenties, with the current climate of the world, feeling like in some ways that you’ve failed is pretty normal. I figured by now I would have been finished with post-secondary, living on my own, and having a decent job. Maybe I would have moved in with a friend or two, and maybe I would be in a relationship.
In reality, I’m a dropout living in the equivalent of my parent’s attic, working in their restaurant. And I think I have fifty dollars in my bank account right now. Let’s also not bring up my love life or lack thereof. My mom has resigned herself to having only animals as her ‘grandchildren’.
By all accounts, I’m a failure. I didn’t do anything I set out initially in high school. Granted I am a very different person now than I was then.
But it kinda got me thinking. What did I fail at? Life? Setting realistic expectations for myself when the world was already on its head? Jumpstarting the economy to be able to do all the things? Allowing the chaos of the last three years to get to me?
Did I fail, or did my expectations just change?
Postsecondary wasn’t for me. I changed my mind about what I wanted to do with my life at least a dozen times since I graduated. I learned so much about who I am, and some of the long seeded issues I’ve been dealing with my entire life. I got on medication and got into therapy. I’m more comfortable with who I am now than I ever was.
I learned that more than anything else I want to be happy. I don’t really care what job I’m working. Ideally, it would be writing or something equally creative, but I don’t live in an ideal world so I’m not going to be picky. I don’t want to be in the city. I want to surround myself with people I care about and a garden I can tend and as many dogs as I can handle.
Maybe I’m going to spend the next ten years here with my parents. I would be okay with that. At least this way I know they would be taken care of when they start to not be able to take care of themselves.
I’m continuing to learn every day about things that interest me, without the stress of needing to regurgitate it onto a test later or the pressure of a deadline on me.
I’m sure if you told sixteen-year-old me where I would be at twenty-four, I either would have thought you were joking or been horrified because I had so many plans of going to school and being a doctor, or a P.I., or a Teacher.
But as I get older(Look at me talking like I’m worldly), I have to question if my feelings of failure come from me and my feeling like I could do more with my life, or if this is a failure in the eyes of society thus making me feel like I failed?
And the more I think about the more I’m certain that I am not a failure. My priorities have just changed, and it just so happens that those changes are things that society as a large doesn’t care much for.
I am not a failure. No one who is looking back at their teenage self afraid of disappointing them is a failure. Even if you could do more. Even if you have regrets and wish you could go back to take that scholarship, apply for that job, or leave that toxic friend, you are not a failure. Your priorities have changed. And that’s not a bad thing. You’re just a different person today than you were when you first laid out all these grand plans for your future.
You only fail when you stop trying. That is what I believe anyway.
I hope that this helps out someone who needs to hear that right now. You aren’t a failure, you’ve just changed.
I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if it’s not wonderful, I hope it gets better for you. Stay safe, and I will see you next time.
Unfortunately, I don’t have an interesting post for you this week.
It was a combination of this week flying by and the existential feeling that nothing in life matters so why even try, have permeated my thoughts. I really outta call my counsellor about that.
Between the puppies getting into something and getting tummy issues, and struggling to get back into the habit of work and writing while feeling like absolute shit has not been fun or easy.
I also realized that the piece I’m trying to edit, ‘SDM’, has a very long, boring opening that I can easily condense down to about half while still maintaining the introductions of all the characters. The only thing is; I’m more than halfway through editing the opening, so I don’t want to continue with it, but I know I need to start over, but I also don’t want to. I want to continue with the draft that I have. See my dilemma?
And then the last-minute change of a scene in ‘Aithne’s Journey’ hasn’t helped either.
I’ve also just kinda been too obsessed with ‘Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children’ to want to do much than read those books. Probably doesn’t help that the narrator was absolutely amazing. We’ll see if ‘Girls of Storm and Shadow’ will hold my attention in such a vice as well, or if I can actually focus on work for more than five minutes.
Except for the puppies and my mental health, I do think these are good problems to have. I’m a better writer now than when I first wrote ‘SDM’ for being able to identify and have ideas for how to change the laggy opening. And I realized I was playing into a bit of a cliche with the scene I want to change, and with making another character I already introduced and who had a smaller part in this scene, it’s still going to be as impactful if not more so.
I think so much of it is that I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything. I know I’m a very all-or-nothing kind of person, so the thought of not being able to do everything all at once kinda raises the question in me of ‘why even try?’. And this is very much a pot calling the kettle black situation because I am very much so for, and continuously tell people to take, smaller steps if need be. Maybe I need to start listening to myself more often, I do actually have good advice from time to time.
And I think that’s probably why I think these ‘Life Logs’ are a good thing for me to look back on and realize where I was and how far I’ve come. And also to remind me later on that I made it through this, I can keep going and it’ll all be okay.
We’re still early on in the year, and I know there’s still a lot of time left. Maybe I’m just getting frustrated because I want to have all of these things done and not be doing them. I don’t know if this is an ADHD thing or not, but I know I feel like this a lot.
Alright, with that sombre note to end on, I’m going to leave this here. Thank you for listening to my rant about my week thus far.
I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if it’s not wonderful, I do hope it gets better. Stay safe, and I will see you next time.
Last year, 2021, I did a whole bunch of reading. And I found a lot of books that I loved. And some I think would have resonated with me a little bit more if I had read them as a teenager, rather than as a 23-year-old woman.
I was a teenager between 2011 and 2018, graduating high school in 2016. I’m sure a younger reader of mine if I even have any, will think I’m rather old. And sometimes I do think that. A lot of things crack and pop. It’s not fun.
But that’s not what we’re here to talk about.
I didn’t really get into reading until I was about 14 when a librarian actually took an interest in what I was reading and what I was interested in. Prior to that, I was discouraged from reading books I was actually interested in because they were, supposedly, above my reading level. The joys of being severely dyslexic. Because of that, the only reading I really did was assigned class reading.
I got less into reading after I had a massive stint of reading classics(To Kill A Mockingbird and The Godfather, anyone?). Mostly I think because I got really busy with school and after I was done with homework I just wanted to veg and watch youtube. And then I got super into Anime and writing fanfiction.
Because of all of that, I missed out on a lot of good books that I think I would have loved. And I wish people told me about these books when I was younger.
I would like to add before we get into it, that I’m not trying to make anyone read these books. I don’t think it’s my, or anyone’s job, to monitor anyone’s reading. These books were just really impactful or made me feel less alone in life, and whatever your opinions are of the authors or the book themselves, these are my opinions. Opinions can change and are subjective. If you have opinions or objections to anything I’m about to say, let’s have a respectful argument about it in the comments.
With all of that out of the way, let’s get into it.
Ranger’s Apprentice Series
If you have been reading me for any amount of time, you probably already know how much I love this series. I didn’t get to read this until I was 19 or 20. But even still I absolutely loved it. It was the first story that I had ever read that made me feel so many things. I laughed out loud, I cried, I cringed, I routed for the characters. And even though the main character was a boy, it was written in such a way that I could have just as easily seen a girl doing the exact same things. And I loved that. I wish I had found this series earlier in my life, but I’m glad I found it at all because it really impacted me and made me want to write in such a way that other people will feel the way that I felt reading the Ranger’s Apprentice for the first time… or the second time… however many times people want to read it.
The Harry Potter Series
This might come as a surprise to some people, but until last year, I hadn’t read the series. And arguably, I still am reading it. The point is, I wish I read this before. I know we have issues with J.K. Rowling right now, and I’m not here to argue that. I loved the movies when I watched them as a kid, and I still enjoy the movies. I just never read the books until now. It really is a magical world, with breathtaking creatures, and spells, and despicable villains, and the beauty of friendships and playing to strengths and accepting differences. I really wish I read this sooner because I feel like it would have shaped me more than it did. But I suppose it’s better late than never, right?
The Diviners Series
I was actually surprised to find that this was first published in 2012. I genuinely thought it was a more recent publication. Either way, it doesn’t detract from how good this series is. I will admit that I did have issues with Evie at the beginning because I really don’t like that kind of person in real life, so why would I want to read about them? But with the number of diverse characters, and that Libba Bray did a lot of research in 1930’s New York and culture, it feels so real. Even with the more paranormal elements. Let’s not get into the conversation of if there is such a thing as ghosts, that’s not what this is about. And even the paranormal/ghost enemies or antagonists are very interesting and multi-sided. They aren’t killing people just for the sake of killing people, they each have their own deep, and unique story behind them, I think the relationships are very healthy and real, well except for the ones that are openly toxic but I mean for the main cast. It’s nice to see so many different interactions and they don’t seem forced at all. They’re a natural progression with all the awkward moments and toes being stepped on. I know that the series only finished recently, which I’m happy about because it ended very well, but that doesn’t stop it from being really well thought out and executed.
Eliza And Her Monsters
I loved this book when I read it. I still love this book so much more than I can properly put into words. Eliza is such a relatable character to me. She has anxiety and issues expressing herself, but she has a passion for art that not everyone understands. She’s done something I wish I can one day do, and create a story that impacts people so much they get tattoos of it and use quotes in wedding vows. And then her world falls apart, and she needs to reach out for help to pick herself back up and find herself. It really explores loss, and mental health, and family dynamics. It explores how different people deal with different losses and trauma. I will warn you if you’re sensitive to these kinds of things and are interested in reading this. There is a moment of contemplated and attempted suicide. And it’s so real and understandable with the amount of hopelessness that’s going on at the time, and how when you lose your only outlet how empty of a shell you can become. If you can get past that, it’s an amazing read. I know this came out in 2017, so it came out at the tail end of my teenage life, but I genuinely wish that this was around when I was younger and could have read it. I still think it was super impactful when I did read it. But it might have been more impactful with my attempting to understand my own mental illness and just trying to survive every day not fully understanding with an outlet for my emotions that very few people in my life understood.
Nightbooks
This is more of a middle-grade read than it is a YA, but my point about it still stands. It’s wonderful to read a book that’s not shoving down your throat that it’s okay to be weird and different, but also in a genuinely interesting way. I have found, at least, that when characters are being bullied or made fun of for being different they actually have pretty normal hobbies. And admittedly this isn’t the worst option out of them. The main character absolutely loves horror. Movies, readings, Halloween. Literally, everything having to do with creepy things. And he writes stories about creepy things that come to mind. And it gets to the point of being concerning to the adults in his life that he’s constantly sent to the counsellor’s office because of it. And he’s seen as weird and an outcast by his peers. But a girl he meets is equally as obsessed about baseball. A rather normal hobby by comparison, but she also doesn’t see anything wrong with his passion. I would have loved to read about this when I was younger because there were times when I really needed someone to tell me there is nothing wrong with my vastly different and maybe strange interests. They might not be what other people consider ‘normal’, but that doesn’t matter because it makes me happy, and I’m not hurting anyone. This is another book that somehow ended up being published in 2018, so I obviously couldn’t have read this as a teen, but I really like it and the message it’s trying to send.
Monster Blood Tattoo Series
Maybe I love this series because I read it in an audiobook format and the narrator was Humphry Boward, who made me feel like a small child because he gave every single character a very distinct voice. And I loved that. Arguably he just made the experience all the more enjoyable for me, but I feel like I needed to bring that up first. I’m not even sure where exactly to begin with this series. It’s a beautiful dark fantasy about a divide between humans and monsters, and monster hunters that undergo surgeries to have different powers to better defeat them, and underground rings of demon fights, and perpetuation stereotypes, thinking every human is good and monsters are evil. Just everything about this. It has so much hope and mystery. But also so many interesting dark creatures and grave situations. It was absolutely amazing, and I loved it. And because the first book was published in 2006, I definitely could have come across this and fallen in love with reading.
I think that’s probably the biggest takeaway from this. If I was able to explore my own interests and read things that I wanted to, maybe I would have read a lot more by now. I would have loved to have these books on my shelves growing up and return to these worlds that I felt at home in and less alone when reading.
These books have definitely shaped me after I read them. I also feel like they would have impacted me more if I was a little younger, I am quite a big believer in the things we’re surrounded by at a young age really do impact us and in a way shape us.
I’m sure in a year, this list is going to be different, but I’m okay with that. It just shows that I’m still learning, reading, and growing.
What are some books that you’ve read that you wish you read earlier in life? I would love to know if you’d like to share.
I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if it’s not wonderful, I do hope it gets better. Please stay safe, and I will see you next time.
The puppies had entirely escaped their enclosure and are running amuck around the house. Even going so far as to try and come upstairs to my room, being too terrified to go back down on their own. They got their first shots and deworming though, so that’s something.
Early this year my province was on fire, more recently it’s been underwater. Thankfully, where my family and I are located we’ve been fine. But we have been affected by the Coquihalla being washed out, resulting in issues in the supply chain and mail issues.
That is not, however, to say that my mental health has been perfectly fine through the entire ordeal. It hasn’t.
The town nearest me was basically underwater from all the flash flooding, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid/extremely anxious about the situation.
The majority of my goals this month consisted of participating and winning NaNoWriMo. I ended up having to take a week off of writing in the middle of the month because my mental health was just not strong enough to work and deal with the world at the moment. It probably didn’t help that the piece I’m trying to write is pretty damn heavy.
I am more than fifteen thousand words shy of the goal of fifty thousand. And even if I write all day, I don’t think I could catch up. I’m still going to finish the piece, it’s just not happening right now is all.
I think this was actually a really good contrast between years of NaNoWriMo. Last year I did super well, and even wrote more than ten thousand words than I needed and finished ahead of schedule.
I think this is one of those issues that I do have with NaNoWriMo. There’s a feeling of shame almost if you can’t make the goals. And I feel like it’s based on working in some of the more ideal situations. It’s even more difficult when dealing with, you know, natural disasters, mental health issues, babies. Things that are not so much usual, but do happen. And I never really thought that I would ever say that natural disasters are a thing we should expect to happen. The shitty world we live in I suppose.
I’ve only read two books this month.
I haven’t made a blog post this month at all.
Life really took over this month, and I also can’t be mad about it. I needed to take the time to take care of myself. And the puppies are dog babies, they need a lot of attention and they can’t help it. So I can’t be mad at them either.
I guess it was just one of those months.
And I haven’t quite decided just yet, but I might take December to myself. I’ll come back at the end of the year to do my usual yearly wrap-up. I don’t have a lot of actual work goals. It’ll mostly be Christmas and restaurant work that needs to be done. Either way, we’ll see.
How was your month? If you participated in NaNoWriMo, how did you fare? I’d love to know if you’d like to share.
I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if it’s not wonderful, I do hope it gets better. Stay safe, and I will see you next time.
T.R.FlynnOfficial 